isn't it interesting to think that whenever i feel so down, i have so many things to jot down in my notes, or many stories or ideas to add into my blogger? well, these past few days, i was able to put myself into some sort of a hiatus, a blank space on my notes, and bloggers that were not filled in for at least two days. you see, i'm getting into a clearer mind setting the past days, and it really shows on my diaries and in ideas that i present to others. honestly, right now, i cannot think of any good topic to discuss or at least put a view or opinion on it. i guess, in life, there is what we call "eventual trail of events" that is inevitable, and though we don't like to be a part of that trail, we cannot do anything about it. it's either you make yourself be kicked out or be kicked in. and that is what exactly i am up to right now. i chose to register in this site to steam out, burst out, laugh out, word out, and "type out" what's inside of me. but right now, i feel like i am running out of ideas to put into my blogger. and it's quite sad, to think that days before, i was having this energy and zest to type as many words as i can to satisfy the person in me that is crying out for someone to listen to me. but now, it's seems that the former "motivated person" is now an exhausted one. sorry blogger, but i may likely be saying bye bye to an almost everyday habit of filing my diaries. i think i will just be contended in typing in for this blogger when i really have a good topic to discuss. but it doesn't mean that blogger wasn't able to help me with my emotional instability. it was the exact opposite. i needed someone to express out my feelings. i needed someone to hear my stories. but there came no one. but blogger was there. and all the words that was just kept inside of me, were finally brought out. i was able to condition myself to excel for the best of life.

now, i must be determined to set things straight for myself. i've been wishing about fantasies and all those stuffs, and it is time for me to wish for something sensible. i've been so focused on one girl the past days, and it should stop now. i think i don't have the ability to say goodbye to the memories, but i need to. there is a fine line between what i want and what i need. i think i have to go with the latter. there are things in life more precious than that girl, and i must make myself live with that thinking. in that way, i may achieve a better life for myself. i just wish now the girl would be happy in life. that's my only wish right now.

this is the kind of day that i would want to spend everyday. i do so many things that i forget about my past, or particularly those that were not pleasantly connected with me, you know frustrations. i just hope that every day that passes, i will be able to forget that girl. the girl i lose but i never got. but now, i think the best thing i can do now is to do what's best for me. lately i've realized that i really did not achieve things that i wanted. i was always the "short-coming" guy, you know, when i like a thousand bucks i can only get a 500. or if i wanted a 125cc motorcycle i only can manage for a 50cc motorbike. when i wanted a supercomputer, i only get a 2.0ghz computer. you know, those kind of stuffs. but then, i thought, i really did not get the things i wanted, but at least i got the things i needed. i may not have gotten hold of luxurious but i was able to put into my possesion the things that matter most, and those are the things that most people think are useless, but for me they are all important. that's why, instead of feeling pity for myself as being the "unlucky," i'd rather think that i am luckier than most "stupid" persons out there.

lucky me.

i think i am doing a good job of conditioning myself to work on the track of my own. ever since the frustration thing, i was able to do so many things that i had no time doing during the "disillusioned" period. i was able to work many things at home, i managed to eat a full meal (without thinking about anything), and i was able to create motivations from myself and for myself. now, i am seeing myself working with my old self again, and that is a good indication that i am leading myself away from the frustrations.

i needed to seclude myself in the peaceful of the world, so this morning i went to a far away place, to a monastery. there i helped Sister Joy work on a broken Mother Mary statue. it was given to her by a person, who thought it would be best to bring it to her. I kinda promised Sister Joy last Saturday that i will be dropping by to help her fix it. So i went back there this morning. Fortunately, we weren't able to put the pieces in their places, so she decide to just bury it. we said sorry to Mother Mary, coz we did not manage to piece Her up. but we tried, and we really tried fixing the statue. but it paved a way for me to connect with the tranquil side of life, and that is exactly what the place provided me.

the truth is, i need to forget all that has happened to me in the past days, and i feel that Sister Joy and the monastery can help me.

i think i am in the process of restructuring my set of ideas for myself right now, and that's a positive attitude. since the frustration a day ago, i was able to make myself work like it's the best days of my life. no, i am not diverting myself to anything right now. i'm not actually trying to escape the burdens of failure and frustrations, im doing the exact opposite, and that is to not remember the things that worried me before. because there are better things in life that i deserve, and i think i should move on.

this is a start of a new day for me. i have no more obligations to see someone. now i'm back with my old self again. thanks to her, i kinda realized that i made many mistakes in the past, things that are against myself and against my own reasoning. now, i am more than ready to face the road ahead, although i am not sure what that road is, what it will provide me. the least thing i know is that i wil achieve something better for myself.

MY HAPPY DAYS HAS JUST ENDED. thanks to a girl i was interested with, my days of inspiration are already gone. it is so sad that i was having plans for it. life is really that unfair. however, i'm looking at it as if life is reasonable, and life really is reasonable. when we are given these kinds of challenges, we must think that something much better is destined for us.

what are the odds of matching the compatibility of a gemini and a leo? this afternoon, the girl i was telling about asked what's my zodiac sign. i said gemini. and what does that do with my desire for her? is she doing some sort of getting to know test? relying on the power of predictions? i think as a person, she has her own reasons. added to that i am kinda a person with a very complex personality. or is it the other way around? i should be the one to do in getting to know her. help again.

is this really helping me? you know, putting all my sentiments in this diary page? i think as a person, i'm not doing good for someone. i mean, i excel a lot in writing words of feelings, but in real life i'm a very weak person. if only i could find answers to my own questions, that would settle everything for me. but the unfortunate part of life is that we don't get what we usually dream of. the bitter reality of life.

i have something to share. there was this girl, whom i desperately want to be with. i once tried courting her a year ago, but i did not succeed. she ended up with another guy. now, i'm back with my intentions again. i must say we're getting along well. she just broke up with his boyfriend.

this is the problem:
i was seeing her more than often. one time, i went to school, and had to find her there. so i found her. we chatted. then i discovered that she was good at palm reading. so i tested her. there is this one thing that totally blew the hell out of me. from my hand, according to her, the third girl that i met in my life (or attached with sentimentally) will be the person i will marry. that's far out. no, it's not about me being happy because i have found out that i will eventually marry someone. it is not that. the one thing that surprised me is that: THE THIRD PERSON IS HER. i'm not kidding. she is the third girl i have been attached with emotionally. actually i have already courted fived girls. she was the third.

i really don't know what to do. of all the many things that can be seen from my palm, why did she tell me about the "third person"? why not about me becoming a wealthy man in the future? or i could go to new york and be an executive assistant? not that i wasn't happy hearing the prediction. it is just that i am confused whether or not i should believe in it. at the moment, i seem to be motivated substantially from it. but is this really correct?

i am confused really.

this is a day of emotions for me. i saw the girl more than once. actually, it felt like i needed to see her every minute of the day. unfortunately, i did not. but even if i saw her only two times today, that would be way too much for me. i mean yes i long to see her every moment, but for now i think that seeing her for two occasions is given to me as a reward. i was in the state of stress when i woke up this morning, but eveything turned out to be lively for me this day. i hope it works like this every day. i hope.

nothing to tell this day. i'm definitely at work now. just a pointer to present:
how do you measure perseverance?

not much to say for this day, except that i went to a place away from the city. just to have a little bit of leisure and rest for myself. ive been wondering about something recently. how do i get things working well for a girl i really need to get involved with? i admit i am not good at courting someone, but at least i have to think of something right? but what is that something? sometimes i fear that every moment pass away with me doing nothing will mostly make that girl go away from me. ive gotta think of something. help.

i need help.

this day is still uncertain for me, except that the girl is smiling again. i saw her at school this morning, and everything in me was just refreshed. but something's bothering me right now. the girl is actually graduating on the 27 of march, this month. so i have at least a week more to come close to her.

what is the best way to get close to her? coz honestly i do not know how. there are times when i feel so angry for myself because im always the person with little knowledge of dealing with a different kind of feeling for a girl. i know i have the guts, but i really can't translate that into meaningful actions. i also wonder if my lack of initiative or action is the reason why i did not end up being with her a year ago. and now dejavu. the same thing's happening again.

pls. if anyone there can answer my question, or at least provide me a good solution to this problem, i would be delighted.

i had a rush of excitement late this afternoon. it was quite a while since i saw the girl smile, and this afternoon it's as if she's coming out from herself again, to be what she used to be. and that was a good feeling for me, knowing that at least the girl i've been desperate to see everyday is smiling again, and that puts a zest inside of me. i'm finally a relieved man again. now, how do i move on from this? gotta get myself going before it's too late.

what a troubled man I am! lately i've been venturing into the most uncertain part of my life, and that is to find my luck with a girl. i had an expericen like this before, involving the same girl. well, these days, i was kinda refreshed with my intentions for her. i really don't know why, but the more i get failed for her, the more i persist this feelings for her. without valid reasons, i think, i am going through what people may call serious desperation. because i am a desperate guy. i have had failures of the past, but they just add up to provide me the proper zest to move on again, to try and fail in order to succeed. or instead of saying try and try until you succeed, maybe "fail and fail until you succeed" is far better. well, that's for me. i don't know with other people. or am i the only who has this attitudes for uncertain things? hello, calling all human beings. am i the only kind in this world?

i saw her in school. you know, the girl i was talking about the past days. but i dont know if she was delighted or disgusted to see me. all i can say is that i saw her, and that would be enough for now. she's doing too many things. and by the way, last saturday night, the words "JUST LET ME BE" from her was sent to my phone. up to now, i still don't know what that means. i exasperated of course to receive a message from her, even jumping for joy that night. and was about to finish a supposed to be goodbye letter for her that night. coz the past days, i felt that she was ignoring or getting rid of me, and that was so tought to deal with. knowing that i was nice to her and i had no desire but to be close to her. i did actually get an explanation from her. she said she has many things in his sked these days, and she was kinda going into a lot of stress. it was a relief of course to finally hear a word from her. so now im back on track again, or am i? i seem to have gotten another ounce of motivation to head on with this "misadventure" again. somehow i feel like i am not yet ready to bade goodbye from this unfinishes business. i'll promise i'll post it here as soon as things work out well (or even worse). keep updated.

just when i was about to bade goodbye to all my misadventures, a sudden turn of events totally caught me in a refreshed start. i need not give much details now, coz i don't want to commit the same mistake of predicting. i learned so much from that experience. when i really want to expect something big to happen, i expect not what is so big, but at least i see that there is a definite destination for all of this. the venom of this misadventures for love has surely been injected on me. i do hope that it is for the better, and not for the worse (again).

nothing much happened this day for me. except that i got a headache since yesterday.

i was thinking about my ideologies in life. a few days ago, i had this unbearable rush when i finally got the chance to talk with someone i have always been dreaming of. yes, we had hours of talk. actually, it was she who talked most of the often, as i listened to every word she uttered. i have this willingness to listen really, coz i dont talk that much. im not that expressive.

but i have been thinking about this ever since. are my ideologies really good for me? not talking much about who i am? is it giving me the proper notion of life? bcoz i sometimes think, of all the ounces of willingness to listen that i have, would it be better if i also get the chance to talk about myself?

the girl i was talking about - she mentioned almost everything about her to me. i was the one who listened, not the one who told stories. and she probably had no idea who i am as a person.

now its time for me to talk.

i am a kind person. i have this attitude towards lively things. i am a very serious person but i can become a social person also. i dont like talking, coz people when they talk more they work less. i can't say i am a very original person in terms of lifestyle and fashion, but i defy the usual.

i also have this ability to deal happily with kids. sometimes i wonder, if its my face their laughing about or just my attitude (funny). i am not a religious person, but i am always loyal to God. i believe in the power of self-conditioning, of silence and peaceful of the soul through self-indulged silence.

my ideal date would be to take a special someone with me to a place that is so silent and away from many people. the ideal place is in a far place outside the downtown city - foyer de charite. back when i was in college, we had a recollection there. and the place kinda stuck in my memories, becoz the place was like a place for seminaries. it was really religious. but for me, it is a beautiful place to get to know yourself, even for one day. away from the noise of this world. it's not meditation coz i dont know how to meditate.

some say when you're kind with pets, you are a kind person for others. i am like that. i love dogs, cats, fish, you name them.

my ideas of love:
love is unpredictable, it doesnt have a pattern, nor it has a destination.

well, that would be enough for now.
that may probably get the chip off my shoulder. i hope.

Do you think it is satisfying to create diversions of my own? I had a major frustration a few days ago, and i think the only way i could get rid of chip off my shoulder is to focus my attention on something. Rather than feeling sorry about myself, i'd rather do something productive, something that is beneficial on my part. But it is hard to accept, that even if i had devoted my time and effort to something i thought was good, i wasn't still able to achieve what i wanted.

Someone told me that if you expect something, you have to expect the worse, because you never know what will happen. I must say the person who told me that is right. the sad part is, i expect for the worse (to unknowingly achieve the good), but i ended up with the worse. There is no harder feeling than that. I mean, yes i made myself believe that if i reverse psychology myself, things will be easier to accept for me. Why is it that when people think positive, the negatives come in with delight. But if you expect for the worse, and the worse really came, boy, the more you get frustrated with yourself.

That's the very feeling i am having right now.

It's a good thing i still have things to do this day. I am diverting myself into ounces of happiness than feel sorry about myself.

This afternoon, i was expecting someone special to smile at me and say hello or just a simple greeting or gestures. But it turned out bad. It was like she's getting rid of me. I really don't know why.
Let me just give you a background of what i am having right now:
I've known this girl back when i was in third year. I must say i got attracted to her. There was something in her face that stuck me in silence for many moments. I dont what. So i actually tried to express my feelings to her, in a very straightforward manner. She probably got flattered with that action of mine. But for some reasons, she got involved with another guy. I became the sorry kid. I've already graduated, but i returned to school again. I resigned from my job for six months. I actually left my job, heading towards uncertainty, hoping that something in that way could work out good (or great) for me.

I seem to be having no energy to leave this "unfinished" business of mine. I admit, it was her that made me enroll for masterals. Coz i still have to search for answers about me and her, if in case there are.

And now, things arent working well (again). I seem to realize that i am the most unlucky person in this world. Or i wonder, is it me or just the world not on my side?

Should i leave the "unfinished" business unfinished? Or to perceiver on this endeavor for love, knowing that luck isn't on my side?

I need answers.

I just can't understand myself. Why am i so optimistic on almost everything? I dream a lot. Yeah i dream a lot, but is that beneficial to me? Or is it just diverting me from the bitter reality of life? Because some people say you have to expect for the worse, so as to lessen frustrations in the end. The sad part is, if i expect the worse, and the worse will happen (not the good), then i'd become a total loser of my own stupidity.